Mood:
crushed outTopic: bigong bata
“I can imagine her face, laughing wickedly at me, enjoying the sight of a hurting guy begging for her attention.”
This is how I see the picture. I am a victim. She is perfectly prepared on how to handle guys who will fall into her trap. It was simple and easy. She ignores them, cuts their communication and allows them to slowly suffer until they develop ultimate depression while she is unaffectedly busy just doing nothing.
It was one hell of a weekend. You can’t imagine what I have been through in the last 3 days. I wasn’t able to sleep and eat for 3 days. It all started last Friday night. We just had a short chat. I didn’t know that it was the last. I somehow felt that it could be the last so I tried to get her attention so that I could ask if it’s ok for us to get to know more about each other. I stayed up all night waiting for her answer. When I saw the clock ticked at 6am, I felt so nervous because I knew that this might be the end of a friendship.
I felt bothered and uncertain on what to do. My heart was beating so fast and I started feeling a heavy metal right on the top of my chest. It was hard to accept that I’m about to lose her and it’s harder to accept that I actually lost her already.
Since we had an office blessing last Saturday, I was given an opportunity to drink without others noticing that I am drinking out of serious depression. I sang my heart out to all the songs that they pick for me. It was a long day, we had many guests and we had so much to do. It quite helped me to forget the pain that I’m experiencing even just for several hours.
When I got home, I laid down on my bed, both legs and arms stretching out, staring at the ceiling, starting to feel the effect of the alcohol in my body. I still have a lot to do. I have to take a shower, I have to change clothes and I have to brush my teeth. I felt so helpless at that point. I can feel my tears rolling down to my cheeks. I felt terribly sad, missing a person very badly. I remained in that position for several hours, still awake, and thinking about my situation. Her silence is killing me. There are so many questions that are running through my head, like, why is she ignoring me, when will she answer my calls, I need to see her, what if she claim that she don’t know me, I don’t think it will help me emotionally. I finally decided to stand up and wash up still feeling tipsy.
Around 5am I felt sleepy so I slept for a while but at 6am, my alarm buzzed me to be ready for my 830am mass service. With high hopes that I will be able to move on faster, I went to the church ahead of time to pray and ask for my pain’s relief. I didn’t expect that it will be answered right away in the priest’s homily. It was about appreciating what you have and finding the brighter side of sad situations. His example really hit me. He said “for example, na-basted ka, maglalasing ka, malulungkot ka, dapat nga magpasalamat ka pa eh dahil inilayo ka ng Diyos sa babaeng yun na hindi mo alam na syang dudurog ng puso mo balang-araw.” I was relieved at that moment but after awhile, I sensed that I’m still damn hurt and still missing her so much.
After I heard mass, I went home, have the car washed then went straight to my room. I did the same thing I did in the previous night. I laid down on my bed and tried to think things over. I tried to reflect to what the priest said in his homily. Tears continued to roll down. I didn’t move. The heat is killing me. I stood up, looked at the mirror. Removed my shirt and tried to twist it. I could feel drops of water over my right foot. Then I looked down and realized that it was the mixture of my tears and perspiration. I stood there for a long time, contemplating about things. I never expected that my feelings for her will go this far and I never expected that my emotions will be this self-destructive.
All of a sudden, I pictured my life flashing in front of me, creating a vision of happiness and serenity. It was long before I realized that I should help myself cope up. I should make the most out of my time instead of sulking and crying over a woman.
I reached out to friends. I talked to my siblings. I opened up everything to my best friend.
I was able to sleep last night after 2 sleepless nights. I have wasted 2 days of my life thinking of someone who don’t even care if I starve to death or I pass out.
I have already accepted the fact that she will never get back. I still couldn’t hide the pain but I’m able to slowly get my life back. I have one question though. Why all of a sudden she just cut our communication?
I begged her to tell me that she don’t like me and push me away so that it would be easier for me to move on. However, she didn’t have time to do the favor for me. Until today, I still wish that she could do me that favor. Since she totally cut our communication, there’s no other way for me to say sorry for all the inconveniences that I caused her but to post this entry and hope that one day she comes across this page and read my sorry part.
Let me share a text message with you I received from a friend this morning.
“If what’s ahead scares you, and what’s behind hurts you…just look above, He never fails to help you.” So keep the faith and always bond with God.
I would like to share with you the things I’ve realized during these difficult times. Before you do something, think first, think second, and think again. What was said will never be claimed back. This is also the perfect time to renew our relationships with our friends and family. In my case, I’ve realized how lucky I am to have the friends I have right now. I was able to appreciate their presence and concern for me. I was able to bond with my best friend again after quite sometime. Friends are there to remind us that we are should not carry our problems alone. They are around to clear our clogged minds and poisoned hearts and guide us to see what’s on the other side. Sometimes, we need to trust our friends because they are brave enough to show us that what they see on the other side is better than the best that we choose to look at. In addition to this, if you want to lose weight, try to undergo the same hardships I had. I just lost 3 kilos!
I also learned that in every sad situation, there would always be a positive part of it. We should look for the positive side and try to make it a source of hope. Instead of thinking about our wounds, we must focus on how we manage to heal it. Let me quote our parish priest “don’t feel the pain of your wounds. Sometimes we need to be hurt and to be insulted because in our low times we tend to reach out to God. Maybe this is His way to bring back the His lost sheep back in His arms. Scars are there to remind us not to commit the same mistakes and to remind us that we are not perfect and sometimes it’s ok to cry.”
At this point, honestly, I’m still hurt. I know the pain will stay for a while, keeping me company in times that I’m left alone. I also know that healing would not be instant but I’m looking forward to it. I still have this concern and great affection for her but I’ve decided to keep it until I’m completely whole again.
I don’t really believe that the my description of her above fits her well because in my eyes, she’s still the same person I admired and looked up to. I still see the goodness in her heart. She has her own reasons and at this point, she opts to keep it to herself. The description above was written out of pain and its purpose is to put a picture to trials that I have been through.
I choose to move on not because I’m giving up but because I’m giving in to God’s will.
