I was HURT so WELL
Mood:
crushed out
Topic: bigong bata
“I can imagine her face, laughing wickedly at me, enjoying the sight of a hurting guy begging for her attention.”
This is how I see the picture. I am a victim. She is perfectly prepared on how to handle guys who will fall into her trap. It was simple and easy. She ignores them, cuts their communication and allows them to slowly suffer until they develop ultimate depression while she is unaffectedly busy just doing nothing.
It was one hell of a weekend. You can’t imagine what I have been through in the last 3 days. I wasn’t able to sleep and eat for 3 days. It all started last Friday night. We just had a short chat. I didn’t know that it was the last. I somehow felt that it could be the last so I tried to get her attention so that I could ask if it’s ok for us to get to know more about each other. I stayed up all night waiting for her answer. When I saw the clock ticked at 6am, I felt so nervous because I knew that this might be the end of a friendship.
I felt bothered and uncertain on what to do. My heart was beating so fast and I started feeling a heavy metal right on the top of my chest. It was hard to accept that I’m about to lose her and it’s harder to accept that I actually lost her already.
Since we had an office blessing last Saturday, I was given an opportunity to drink without others noticing that I am drinking out of serious depression. I sang my heart out to all the songs that they pick for me. It was a long day, we had many guests and we had so much to do. It quite helped me to forget the pain that I’m experiencing even just for several hours.
When I got home, I laid down on my bed, both legs and arms stretching out, staring at the ceiling, starting to feel the effect of the alcohol in my body. I still have a lot to do. I have to take a shower, I have to change clothes and I have to brush my teeth. I felt so helpless at that point. I can feel my tears rolling down to my cheeks. I felt terribly sad, missing a person very badly. I remained in that position for several hours, still awake, and thinking about my situation. Her silence is killing me. There are so many questions that are running through my head, like, why is she ignoring me, when will she answer my calls, I need to see her, what if she claim that she don’t know me, I don’t think it will help me emotionally. I finally decided to stand up and wash up still feeling tipsy.
Around 5am I felt sleepy so I slept for a while but at 6am, my alarm buzzed me to be ready for my 830am mass service. With high hopes that I will be able to move on faster, I went to the church ahead of time to pray and ask for my pain’s relief. I didn’t expect that it will be answered right away in the priest’s homily. It was about appreciating what you have and finding the brighter side of sad situations. His example really hit me. He said “for example, na-basted ka, maglalasing ka, malulungkot ka, dapat nga magpasalamat ka pa eh dahil inilayo ka ng Diyos sa babaeng yun na hindi mo alam na syang dudurog ng puso mo balang-araw.” I was relieved at that moment but after awhile, I sensed that I’m still damn hurt and still missing her so much.
After I heard mass, I went home, have the car washed then went straight to my room. I did the same thing I did in the previous night. I laid down on my bed and tried to think things over. I tried to reflect to what the priest said in his homily. Tears continued to roll down. I didn’t move. The heat is killing me. I stood up, looked at the mirror. Removed my shirt and tried to twist it. I could feel drops of water over my right foot. Then I looked down and realized that it was the mixture of my tears and perspiration. I stood there for a long time, contemplating about things. I never expected that my feelings for her will go this far and I never expected that my emotions will be this self-destructive.
All of a sudden, I pictured my life flashing in front of me, creating a vision of happiness and serenity. It was long before I realized that I should help myself cope up. I should make the most out of my time instead of sulking and crying over a woman.
I reached out to friends. I talked to my siblings. I opened up everything to my best friend.
I was able to sleep last night after 2 sleepless nights. I have wasted 2 days of my life thinking of someone who don’t even care if I starve to death or I pass out.
I have already accepted the fact that she will never get back. I still couldn’t hide the pain but I’m able to slowly get my life back. I have one question though. Why all of a sudden she just cut our communication?
I begged her to tell me that she don’t like me and push me away so that it would be easier for me to move on. However, she didn’t have time to do the favor for me. Until today, I still wish that she could do me that favor. Since she totally cut our communication, there’s no other way for me to say sorry for all the inconveniences that I caused her but to post this entry and hope that one day she comes across this page and read my sorry part.
Let me share a text message with you I received from a friend this morning.
“If what’s ahead scares you, and what’s behind hurts you…just look above, He never fails to help you.” So keep the faith and always bond with God.
I would like to share with you the things I’ve realized during these difficult times. Before you do something, think first, think second, and think again. What was said will never be claimed back. This is also the perfect time to renew our relationships with our friends and family. In my case, I’ve realized how lucky I am to have the friends I have right now. I was able to appreciate their presence and concern for me. I was able to bond with my best friend again after quite sometime. Friends are there to remind us that we are should not carry our problems alone. They are around to clear our clogged minds and poisoned hearts and guide us to see what’s on the other side. Sometimes, we need to trust our friends because they are brave enough to show us that what they see on the other side is better than the best that we choose to look at. In addition to this, if you want to lose weight, try to undergo the same hardships I had. I just lost 3 kilos!
I also learned that in every sad situation, there would always be a positive part of it. We should look for the positive side and try to make it a source of hope. Instead of thinking about our wounds, we must focus on how we manage to heal it. Let me quote our parish priest “don’t feel the pain of your wounds. Sometimes we need to be hurt and to be insulted because in our low times we tend to reach out to God. Maybe this is His way to bring back the His lost sheep back in His arms. Scars are there to remind us not to commit the same mistakes and to remind us that we are not perfect and sometimes it’s ok to cry.”
At this point, honestly, I’m still hurt. I know the pain will stay for a while, keeping me company in times that I’m left alone. I also know that healing would not be instant but I’m looking forward to it. I still have this concern and great affection for her but I’ve decided to keep it until I’m completely whole again.
I don’t really believe that the my description of her above fits her well because in my eyes, she’s still the same person I admired and looked up to. I still see the goodness in her heart. She has her own reasons and at this point, she opts to keep it to herself. The description above was written out of pain and its purpose is to put a picture to trials that I have been through.
I choose to move on not because I’m giving up but because I’m giving in to God’s will.
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 1:17 PM JST
I'm Hurting
Mood:
crushed out
Topic: bigong bata
Few months ago I have developed a strong liking with a person, who happens to be a friend. I was in great awe whenever we exchange conversations. I can stay up all night just to talk to her even if I’m not used to because antukin ako. I must admit that it has been a while, since I’ve felt that way. Like a teen-ager, I can’t explain the feeling. I can’t really function well whenever she ignores me (which she usually does) because I’m missing her so much. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t even think. It’s really affecting my daily routine. Even if I tell her what’s happening to me, she doesn’t care…at all.
So you see…I know you’d tell me that by now I should accept the fact that she can’t offer me anything but friendship and I’m just hurting myself begging for her attention. I know that liking is a choice and I’m pretty sure that I can choose not to like her just to keep the friendship. Sure I like her but I’m scared to get to know more about her and eventually fall in love with her because I’m considering the fact that she may be too insensitive and there is big possibility that she’ll be constantly hurting me unconsciously.
I know my heart wants her. My heart needs her. It’s too obvious that there is a great desire for me to be with her. However, I don’t believe in the saying “follow your heart”. Sabi nga ng kanta, a heart doesn’t have a mind of its own. And I agree. So I’ve decided not to follow my heart but to lead my heart. At this point I still don’t know where I would head my heart so I have decided to park it for a while and have it overhauled. I’m allowing my mind to take control while my heart is at rest.
Besides, maybe I’m not yet prepared to fall in love again. I will just know that I’m ready to fall in-love again when all I think of is how to make the woman that I love, happy. That’s when I will start to do efforts to fill-up her needs without expecting that she’ll do the same for me. At this very moment, I would like to stop looking for someone who will satisfy my needs. I would love to find someone whom I can take care of and provide for all her needs. I know it won’t be easy but I’m sure it would be worth it.
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 1:44 PM JST
Compatibility
Earlier this year, I had plans in going to Boston to be with my biological father (whom I’ve never met by the way), to try my luck there and to actualize my long over due citizenship confusion. So here’s the plan. I will go there, get a job and when I’m quite stable, invite my ex-girlfriend over for her to work there.
It didn’t happen. One week before my departure, we got back together. She asked me to stay because she said she couldn’t stand being away from me for a long time. I was moved. So I stayed (That’s how stupid I am). After a few days, she told me that she is enrolled in this some kind of a government program. Her reason for taking up the program? To be able to go abroad.
Yup. I had the same reaction.
She stopped me from leaving then she’ll leave me. She has other plans and none of which includes me. I was expecting that she’ll consult me if I’m okay with that idea because I’ve always included her in all my plans. She never did. If we weren’t together, I’d understand. She wants me to just follow all her plans. She said she will go some place else then she’ll ask me to follow.
Yup, I know what you’re thinking.
She never even asked me if it’s ok for me to follow. Isn't it somewhat unfair?
I do understand that she is doing this for her family so I stretched my patience and tried to understand. Until one day I found out that she lied to me about her government program. I felt unloved that moment. If she’s really concerned about me, she could have told me the truth because after all, there is big possibility that we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I never said a word about it. I was waiting for her to tell me the truth. She was lying all along and I feel so hurt. One day, I woke up not interested with her anymore. I don’t want to see her or even talk to her. It pisses me off whenever she approaches me. I don’t know if I still care about her. Well I guess, the feeling is mutual because I never heard anything from her. She has been lying to me long before I knew it. Of course it hurt me – a lot. I never confronted her because I was hoping that she’d change her mind and tell me the truth. But, it’s too late.
Now I’m stuck here in the Philippines, waiting for the next Boston opportunity. If I only boarded in that plane I could have been with my father now. I must admit that I regret it. I was put into test. I chose her happiness over my long lost dad. I never expected that she’ll do the same for me but she could have told me about her plans so that I can somewhat re-arrange all my plans in life. Now, she chose to be on her own and put me aside, expecting me to wait patiently for her return. She’s treating me as if I’m her possession who will just follow everything she wants me to do. I was so blinded by my affection for her. At first I thought I could never let her go. Well I was surprised one day that I actually did let her go. And there’s no turning back.
Now I can say that I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. I was able to get through it with the help of my friends who have been very supportive. I’m not looking for a new love as of the moment nor do I welcome the idea of being in love in the next few months. I just want to live a simple life. Finish my MA and start with my PhD. Laugh with friends and stay cool with my family. Bond with as many friends I can and make other people happy. What have I learned out of this? Not to be impulsive. Think also about myself, not just about other people. Think twice. Think thrice. Think and don’t follow my heart right away. Don’t trust too much. That’s about it.
Have a nice day!
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 7:15 PM JST
Updated: Thursday, 11 June 2009 11:11 AM JST
Proud
Mood:
cool
Topic: life kong weird
I’m so proud of my gf, feeling ko bagong graduate din ako hehe tapos na ang mga psych term papers namin, mga homeworks at lalong-lalo na tapos na ang aming thesis haha ang galing hehe I know she worked hard for this and I’m so proud of her!
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 11:25 AM JST
Eto na Talaga...
I think malapit na…hehe hindi ko na kasi kaya eh…etong nanyari ngayong araw…give-up na ko tlg…bahala na kung anong mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw. Kung nandyan eh di nandyan, kung wala eh di wala…nawala sa isip nya na sabihan ako? Sakit nun, napaluha nga ko sa sakit eh.. importanteng event sa buhay nya tas nawala ako sa isip nya?
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 4:37 PM JST
Panda Bear
Topic: Graduation
Nakay kat na yung cds! I can’t imagine na natapos ko yung 13 chapters na yun. The original plan was 3 chapters lang…nadagdagan lang naman ng 10 haha pero hindi pa talaga ko satisfied eh. Pero atleast makakatulog na ko sa gabi haha 2 weeks akong puro project pinagpupuyatan, mukha na kong panda bear. Pero kung hindi ako natulog eh di sana natapos ko yun lahat, sana tig-2 cd sila lahat hayyyyy nalulungkot ako….
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 5:33 PM JST
Bwisit Burner
Topic: Graduation
I started finalizing everything and start na rin ng pag-burn. Ang malas ko pa, nasira yung burner ko. Naayos sya banda 11:30pm na so nun lang ako nagstart pagburn. I slept around 2am kasi di na kaya ng mata ko, then got up at 5am cos I have work pa. Hay grabe to tlg!
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 8:32 PM JST
Song Sequence
Topic: Graduation
I sent her the song sequence already. I had to divide the pictures to fit in the songs hehe I had to add 2 songs pa kasi dumami naman yung sinend ni kat sakin. Yung salamat, the dawn pala kumanta nun. Ayaw ko pa ilagay nung una kasi parang di bagay eh sabi ni kat yun daw gusto ng mga classmate nyang lalaki so sige na nga! At chaka yung through the years…wala lang nakkaiyak lang hehe Were almost done, konting touches na lang. I decided to create a new section, part 13 for the pictures na may isa o dalawang tao lang tas sobrang lapit sa mukha ng kuha…yung mga camera phone pix…and kat wants na babae po ako yung song kaso wala ko mahanap kaya Cinderella na lang haha wah sumusuko na ko sa hirap, puyat na puyat na ko haha para sayo to kat hahaha hmp
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 10:31 PM JST
Away dahil sa Credits
Topic: Graduation
Kat and I had a misunderstanding. Away kami dahil sa credits haha eh kasi nababanas na ko sa madadamot nyang classmate na ayaw magsend ng gradpix at ube awards eh nangangarag na nga kami, nilagay ko sa credits na ayun, gusto ipaalis ni kat. Eh ayaw ko at hindi ko talaga yun aalisin. Hmp magbago na sila, few days na lang graduate na sila madadamot pa din! Buti nag-online si shobe and sent me her grad pic and some class pictures. Buti na lang kasi kung hindi magmamaktol uli ako! Nagseself pity na nga ko kasi wala man lang sumusuporta sakin ni isa from her class. Huhu pictures lang naman hinihingi ko eh, para sa kanila naman yun, laki na nga ng investment ko sa cd, paper at cd case eh…btw, I printed the CD labels already. Be happy CJ ok lang yan hehehe psych it up na lang…chaka atleast happy kasi had an opportunity din to have a chat with my#1 hehehe
Posted by forgotten-vodka
at 5:29 PM JST
